Monday, January 21, 2013
My life is a big huge mess right now. I knew this move was going to be hard but I had no idea the range of emotions I would be feeling at basically the same time. I feel like I am going to be admitted to the looney bin before I can even make it to California.
The official move is in 12 days and I have pretty much done....you guess it...nothing. I have no motivation to do it. Sometimes I am excited beyond belief to have this opportunity to move and then I am instantly slammed with guilt for being happy about it. The thought of leaving my family breaks my heart and I wonder sometimes if I am even strong enough to make this move.
I am one of the most family oriented people in the world. My entire being revolves around my family, most importantly my mom. I have never been more than a few miles away from her and now I am about to move a couple hundred miles away. Granted I am incredibly thankful and lucky that I will only be a 4 hour drive away, it is still hard to imagine me not being able to stop by after I get my son from school, or just pop in for no reason. My family has been NOTHING but absolutely supportive of me throughout this decision and I couldnt ask for more, except maybe winning the lottery so we could all stay together. But the guilt is constant and heavy. It is hard to be happy for yourself when you know other are hurting because of you. I'm not just taking myself away, I am taking my children away from their grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, and cousins.
This is what life is though, constant change, and thats good. Could you imagine if no one ever moved away? We would all be in the same place (duh). I think fear prevents us from really doing what we want to do most of the time, because it is different and the unknown is scary. Trust me I am scared to death if this is even the right decision, but right now it is the only option we have in front of us. To put it plainly we would be dumb to not do it.
Let me back up a little and say that ever since my mom and I moved away from CA (17 years ago) I have wanted to go back. I always swore I would move back, because it is just where I have always felt like I belong. When I go there for a vacation I feel home. That said, I know it sounds ridiculous for me to be bitching that I am moving there. How many people get an opportunity to live where they want to live, making great money, and living incredibly close to the beach? Probably not many. That is why I feel incredibly lucky for this to be happening to us. To be honest we so deserve it after the last 3 years we have had. I do honestly feel like for my kids it will be better in CA. We will actually be able to go outside in the summer, the schools are better, the beach is free, and so on. I feel like they will be happier out there, and I guess I feel with time I will be happier out there too.
I am going to miss my family terribly and my friends, but the closer this move gets the more right it feels, like everything is falling into place the way it was meant to. It is very comforting, because I feel like I am on the right path for the first time in a very long time. People keep telling me I have to do what is best for me, and I totally agree and am starting to understand that. Maybe "leaving the nest" wasnt me moving out of my moms house when I graduated high school, maybe it is now.
I never have had a single regret in my life, because I dont believe I would be the person I am today. If this ends up not being the right thing then so be it. We live and we learn, and I have high hopes it is the right thing. I will fight like hell to embrace these changes, be thankful and most of all happy.