Ch-Ch-Changes

                                                     






                                                    


 


My life is a big huge mess right now.  I knew this move was going to be hard but I had no idea the range of emotions I would be feeling at basically the same time.  I feel like I am going to be admitted to the looney bin before I can even make it to California. 

The official move is in 12 days and I have pretty much done....you guess it...nothing.  I have no motivation to do it.  Sometimes I am excited beyond belief to have this opportunity to move and then I am instantly slammed with guilt for being happy about it.  The thought of leaving my family breaks my heart and I wonder sometimes if I am even strong enough to make this move. 

I am one of the most family oriented people in the world.  My entire being revolves around my family, most importantly my mom.  I have never been more than a few miles away from her and now I am about to move a couple hundred miles away.  Granted I am incredibly thankful and lucky that I will only be a 4 hour drive away, it is still hard to imagine me not being able to stop by after I get my son from school, or just pop in for no reason.  My family has been NOTHING but absolutely supportive of me throughout this decision and I couldnt ask for more, except maybe winning the lottery so we could all stay together.  But the guilt is constant and heavy.  It is hard to be happy for yourself when you know other are hurting because of you.  I'm not just taking myself away, I am taking my children away from their grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, and cousins. 

This is what life is though, constant change, and thats good.  Could you imagine if no one ever moved away?  We would all be in the same place (duh).  I think fear prevents us from really doing what we want to do most of the time, because it is different and the unknown is scary.  Trust me I am scared to death if this is even the right decision, but right now it is the only option we have in front of us.  To put it plainly we would be dumb to not do it.

Let me back up a little and say that ever since my mom and I moved away from CA (17 years ago) I have wanted to go back.  I always swore I would move back, because it is just where I have always felt like I belong.  When I go there for a vacation I feel home.  That said, I know it sounds ridiculous for me to be bitching that I am moving there.  How many people get an opportunity to live where they want to live, making great money, and living incredibly close to the beach?  Probably not many.  That is why I feel incredibly lucky for this to be happening to us.  To be honest we so deserve it after the last 3 years we have had.  I do honestly feel like for my kids it will be better in CA.  We will actually be able to go outside in the summer, the schools are better, the beach is free, and so on.  I feel like they will be happier out there, and I guess I feel with time I will be happier out there too. 

I am going to miss my family terribly and my friends, but the closer this move gets the more right it feels, like everything is falling into place the way it was meant to.  It is very comforting, because I feel like I am on the right path for the first time in a very long time.  People keep telling me I have to do what is best for me, and I totally agree and am starting to understand that.  Maybe "leaving the nest" wasnt me moving out of my moms house when I graduated high school, maybe it is now. 

I never have had a single regret in my life, because I dont believe I would be the person I am today.  If this ends up not being the right thing then so be it.  We live and we learn, and I have high hopes it is the right thing. I will fight like hell to embrace these changes, be thankful and most of all happy.

Hard to put into words

Turning on the tv today started out normal.  Brody and I like to watch Michael and Kelly together, followed by the price is right.  Today was not one of those days.

Every single time a "Special Report" breaks into the TV my heart skips a beat.  Nothing good ever really comes of them, although occasionally it is a President's speech or something like that (which then makes me mad it is interrupting my shows).  It wasn't anything mild by any means today.

A 20 year old, Adam Lanza, who had barley even learned how to deal with the real world, decided to carry out one of the most horrific acts I have ever heard of in my life.  This guy walked into an elementary school heavily armed and shot 20 children, most of which I am hearing were in a single Kindergarten class. 

It is unbelievable, heart-wrenching, depressing, and absolutely sick to think that there was (and unfortunately probably still is) a person out there who could carry something like this out.  I can't even really begin to try to wrap my head around this.  I am heart broken, sad, hurt, angry, and I suppose demolished is an appropriate word.  The United States have had our shares of school shootings, the earliest in my lifetime that I remember being Columbine.  Another one that I remember is Virginia Tech.  Those were also horrific disgusting crimes, but this one today at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, CT hits a little harder.  It isn't that the other shootings were any less significant, it is just the very tiny tender ages of these kids is unimaginable and sickening. 

There are a lot of unstable crazy people out there, but most of them would never even do something like this to children so small, or children in general.  It takes a special kind of monster to do such a thing.  It is so hard to put my feelings into words but unbelievable, emptiness, and numb are some choice words.

What a disgusting coward this person (I wont say man because he wasn't one) was to not only mastermind this horrific act, but then to take his own life.  To deprive those families an explanation or justice makes it that much worse.  Not that there is ANY reasonable, acceptable, or even slightly rational explanation when it comes to something like this.  I can only hope that when he took his own life it didn't happen right away.  I hope he missed the crucial point and suffered alone in pain for a period of time.  Even if that had happened he would not have even felt a morsel of pain that the parents and families are feeling right now and will feel for the rest of their lives.  I believe as a nation we are grieving and mourning with them.  I am sure this is not limited to the United States, I believe the world is mourning with us.  My heart thoughts and prayers also go out to the 6 other people who died trying to save and protect those children, as well as the law enforcement that acted so quick to help save more lives, and who had to witness a most definitely grisly scene that will no doubt be with them forever.

Hug your babies tight tonight, shower them with love and be thankful they are home tonight. 

Oh puh-leeeeeease..slow news day?

*insert britney guy dramatics*  LEAAAVE THE ROSSDALES ALOOOOONE!!

Saw this today on Perezhilton.com (and just about everywhere else) and I can't stress how annoyed I am.  Those sites (which I love btw) will do anything to make something, or nothing, a story.  Looking at this picture I do not see someone groping the nanny, coping a feel, rubbing a butt, or even being flirtatious.  What I see is a woman going up a steep hill with a child and a man placing his hand on her lower back to help keep balance.  Lets be real, if he wanted to touch her butt, or grab it whatever, he would be.  Oh yeah and his KIDS were there!  I am a little biased because I LOVE Gwen and Gavin but I just dont think this is what they are trying to make it out to be.  I will normally admit when something looks bad, but I just dont see it...sorry.  I think for the most part they are pretty quiet reserved people and it kills the gossip mags and sites that there isnt much dirt.  I mean dont gt me wrong if that were my husband I would be pissed at his hand getting that close, but I wouldnt think he was cheating on me!  Move on gossip people and report legitimate stuff to me like Lindsay Lohans latest arrest or something

UPDATE: See?  They are now reporting that wasnt even his nanny but his SISTER! New headline....

So Avoidable...so STOP

If you know me personally you know how much drinking and driving bothers me (and if you don't know me personally now you knew a little tidbit about me!).  Drinking and driving is one of the most idiotic, ridiculous, and avoidable things that people do wrong.  I have absolutely no respect or sympathy for people who decide to get behind the wheel after they have been drinking heavily, and end up hurting or killing someone.  My main reason?  Mostly because the drunk person hardly ever dies, they always kill innocent people.  Recently in Las Vegas some idiot driving 100MPH decided it would be a good idea to drive drunk and ran down a bus stop at 6:25AM where people were waiting so they could go about their honest lives and go to work.  It is sick to me how something so avoidable keeps happening, and I just don't understand why people even chance it, it is just so selfish!

There have been many many times that I have gone somewhere, gotten drunk but REFUSED to drive home.  One time when I was 16 and at a party I knew I drank too much (yes I know I wasn't old enough but most teens have done it at least once!) and asked someone else to drive my car.  16, so if I knew better there is no excuse for people older than that.  There is only one thing I hate more than a DUI and that is someone who has MULTIPLE DUI's.  I don't even get how such a thing is possible! Celebrities are the worst, how Lindsay Lohan is still ont he road is seriously beyond me, maybe they are just waiting for her to kill someone then they will "lay the law down". If you can't learn the first time then you don't deserve to ever be able to be on the roads again, plain and simple.  I don't want to take the chance of you hitting MY car with my innocent children in it, because that is who suffers, regular innocent people.  I must call the police at least once a week on people who appear to be drunk on the roads.  I don't care....if you are swerving, cant maintain a lane, keep speeding up and then slowing down or anything like that around me, you will probably be pulled over.  I would hope more people would call on drivers who appear to be intoxicated, that's why they have 311!  I have only ever had to call 911 once and that was because the guy (or girl) was so bad that I knew they were about to wreck, cutting over lanes of traffic and so on.

It all comes down to just being responsible.  If you are going out to meet friends or party and know you are going to drink then there is NO REASON you shouldn't be prepared!  Here is a little list of different things you can do to prevent killing someone because you want to drink and drive.

1. Bring a designated driver
2. Bring cab money
3. Call a local organization that will take you home! They DO exist!  Most will even get your car home too!
4. Have some responsible friends or family you can call in the event your DD flakes or you end up drinking more than you anticipated.

These may seem like obvious solutions that almost everyone knows, but everyone knows not to drink and drive too so....point made


This whole posting got started because of a local story in Las Vegas about a guy who killed a little girl last Halloween while she was trick or treating.  He was released on bail, under the condition that he didn't drive, or course he wasn't smart enough to listen to the judge and got yet ANOTHER DUI over the weekend.

I have no tolerance for DUI and you shouldnt either. I also think there should be bigger punishments for texting while driving, like the same as DUI punishments.  I have almost gotten in more accidents because people are texting than people who were drinking.  People it can wait!! There is nothing in the world important enough for you to text while you should be paying attention to the road and drivers around you.  If it is that important friggen pull over!!  People are dying for no reason whatsoever, completely avoidable deaths.  Just don't do it

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIRST BORN!!!

After trying to stop labor for two days and having an emergency c-section right as my epidural failed, I gave birth to my beautiful first born at 36 weeks on a very stormy night on 07/29/05 at 12:49AM. 
I didnt even get to see him until the next day, because he was whisked away to the NICU where he gave us a scare and stayed for 5 days. He has grown into the most loving, smart, and handsome little boy and I am very proud to be his mommy. I love him more and more each day. Happy 7th Birthday Braden!!! Mommy is so proud of you and loves you so much!!

The Great Boob Debate

Breastfeeding VS. Bottle Feeding.  It is a well known debate that can make family, strangers, message boards, and even the best of friends turn against each other.  It is a decision that I am finding myself right smack in the middle of right now.

I have three kids and have breastfed and formula fed.  My first born was a preemie and never really got the hang of breastfeeding, nor did I really have the patience given the fact that I was 19. The hospital wasn't very helpful either.  After I gave birth they threw a breast pump in my room and told me I could pump if I wanted to.  No one gave me instructions or offered to help me so I just gravitated towards formula since it was easier. When I gave birth to my second at the age of 24 (at the same hospital) the nurses were very helpful in assisting me with my desire to breastfeed.  They brought in a lactation consultant, and instructed me on how to get my milk to come in.  At the same time they also offered me the option to decline and take advantage of the formula they had there.  That was back in 2010.  I gave birth again this year and let me tell you just how crazy and pushy breastfeeding has gotten.  First off, I will mention that I have given birth at the same hospital all three times and each time has been very different.  The most recent time I went breastfeeding wasn't only encouraged it was pretty much forced.  I was informed that they were a "pro breastfeeding hospital" which meant basically that they would no longer provide pacifiers, and were even very reluctant to allow me to supplement with formula until my milk came in.  It wasn't a HUGE deal given the fact that I had already decided ahead of time that I intended to breastfeed.  The nurses talked NONSTOP about how much better breastfeeding is and blah blah blah, I agree, but I didn't need it pushed down my throat.


I sat there in awe after one nurse had gone on, what I will call a tangent for over 30 minutes telling me how much better breastfed babies are compared to ones who are on formula.  Now as I mentioned I had formula fed my first born and let me tell you, he has no problems and is incredibly smart, as we were asked if we wanted him to skip a grade.  He also rarely gets sick and he did all of that without my "magical" breast milk.  I took offense to her bashing formula fed babies and the parents who decided to put their innocent babies on that poison.  However, as usual I kept my mouth shut...I mean lets be real she WAS in charge of my pain meds and that was the last thing I wanted to do was piss her off!  But after she left I sat and thought to myself "who the hell does she think she is?" "How does she get off thinking she can tell me how to take care of MY baby, and try to force something down my throat (and technically my baby's)?"  Essentially she was implying that only breastfed babies are healthy, smart, and better off, which just isn't the case.


Now before I piss too many people off, yes I know how beneficial breastfeeding is, I have breastfed two of my kids remember?  I am in no way saying that it isn't scientifically the better option, but what I AM saying is that women who decide it isn't for them shouldn't be ridiculed or put down.  It just isn't for everyone and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  It is good that this country is pro-breastfeeding and encourages it, but no one, and I mean no one, should tell someone how to take care of their baby unless the baby is not being taken care of, or unless a parent ASKS for advice.  Other than that it is no ones place to instill their opinion on how one decides to feed their baby.  


This all came about because while I have been breastfeeding my newest addition for the last 5 months (almost) we are having a lot of trouble, and so I have been tossing around the idea of "quitting", if you will, and going to formula.  I have actually been thinking of doing it for a while but every time I think about it I get an enormous wave of guilt.  That guilt comes from society in my opinion, that nurse, and just about everything I read lately that claims (pretty much) that if you don't breastfeed your baby, then your baby is doomed.  In fact I Googled "want to stop breastfeeding but feel guilty" and 115,000 different posts popped up, all with multiple responses within each post, which means I am for sure not alone in having these feelings.  Breastfeeding has to be something that you want to do, not something that you feel obligated to do, because if you feel obligated it will be a horrible experience for both mom and baby. 


Ultimately I have decided that I am going to switch to formula.  Maybe I am a little selfish but I am just ready for my body to be MY body again, and that's OK.  I am exhausted from being on demand 24/7, not being able to go out when I want, or even having to time my grocery shopping to make sure I will be back in time to feed my baby again.  Breastfeeding is a very demanding task and while some people may decide to breastfeed until their child is ready to stop, I am just not that parent.  I think it will benefit both my daughter and I to switch because I am sure she is sensing how burnt out I am.  Plus my husband and other family members can feed her once in a while, and my boob wont have to be "on call" 24/7.  


The bottom line is that you should always do what you feel is best for you and your baby.  Whether you want to give your baby the boob, or the bottle it is your choice and yours alone, I'm not judging.  Please don't let people put you down one way or another.  As long as your baby is being fed then I would say you're doing a good job!  Just remember if EVERYONE breastfed then there would be no market for formula and they would go out of business, and I'm pretty sure they are doing OK.  


So whip it out or mix it up...the choice is yours :)


So I guess you could say I'm pro-choice?  Ok ok thats an entirely different debate for another day ;)

Another tragedy in Colorado

Today a man named James Holmes unloaded on a theater full of people watching the midnight premier  "The Dark Knight Rises".  It is hard to even imagine being in a situation like that.  What posses someone to plan out such an attack on innocent people?  I just don't get it.  How sick do you have to be to do such a thing knowing that there are children present?  Is it for notoriety?  Pleasure?  Fame?  Who knows all I can say is that I live no where in the vicinity of that movie theater and it has affected me greatly.  There was an interview with a couple who had their 4 month old and 6 year old with them and explained how they had shielded their children from the gunman and prayed that it would work.  This especially hit home since I have a 4 month old baby girl a 2year old son and a 6 year old as well.  They were sobbing as they were recounting the event, and my heart just breaks for them.  Luckily they all made it out alive and uninjured but sadly over 70 people were wounded and 12 were killed.

I have decided not to post a picture of this psychopaths picture because I feel the media is doing it enough and I don't feel he deserves any more publicity for his horrendous crime.  This opens up a whole slew of debates that unfortunately I believe the presidential candidates will take advantage of....most obvious would be gun control and questioning the right to posses guns.  Do I think that you shouldn't be able to posses a gun?  No not really.  You could maybe make a law that one would have to undergo a psychological evaluation before being approved for a gun, but most psychopaths are extremely intelligent and have been known to pass such a test with no problem.  I think that if someone really wants to get ahold of a gun they will.  People do it every day, in fact most of the guns used in crimes are either stolen or obtained in some other illegal manor.

I have spent most of the day watching report after report and reading story after story regarding this tragedy and came across some comments people made after the stories.  Surprisingly a lot of people went straight to the video game blame.  When is this excuse going to be put to rest.  If video games influenced such events they would happen so much more often.  I play video games that involve shooting and I have never had the urge to go out and start shooting people.  In fact people who knew the shooter said he was an avid video game player , wanna know what he played the most?  Guitar Hero.  That's right, he played probably the most non violent video game that exists.  This in my opinion it is NOT a valid reason to blame especially in this case.

The fact of the matter is that this was obviously a very troubled person who had serious mental issues.  People who "knew" him, and I say that in quotes because no one really knew him, said he was very reclusive and quiet.  Which is almost always the case.  He kept to himself and when people do that no one sees them as a threat.  Same thing will Columbine, which was only 15 miles away, those two were quiet, they were goth, but other than that did not attract attention to themselves.  I can only try to imagine how the people in that community are dealing with this right now.  Yet another resident of Colorado busts into a place armed and starts shooting for no reason, with no specific target.  Most of the murders out there are not random.  In most cases there is a target, so it is scary when you hear of such a random attack.

There are reports that the shooter dyed his hair orange or red and told police he was the Joker.  If that doesn't prove that he is a demented mess I don't know what does.  That is just that, I don't think there is much else to blame, not video games, or music, or the Batman franchise.  What is next, are they going to blame the late Heath Ledger for his role as the Joker for this man going crazy and shooting up a theater full of people trying to enjoy a movie they have waited months for?  There is no one/thing to blame but the shooter himself.  I understand that when something like this happens people grasp onto anything just to be able to have an explanation, but sometimes there isn't an explanation.  If anyone is looking to the shooter for an explanation I highly doubt that they are going to get one.  Someone who thinks they are a fictional character in a movie is not going to give a straight answer as to why, because there is no reason.  He did it and that's it.  If there is any explanation it is that possibly he has always been an outcast or in the shadows and no one ever paid attention to him or even know his name.  Now everyone knows his name, as horrible as it sounds he is famous.  Not in a good way of course but famous nonetheless.  Unfortunately  Things like this just happen sometimes but we have to go on with our lives and stop living in fear.  I am the last person who should talk about not being afraid of going on with our lives since I have only gotten on a plane twice since 9/11, and had a MAJOR panic attack each time, but it is true.  We can't let THEM win.  So please go see a movie if you want to see a movie, and fly if you want to fly (I will try to take my own advice), because it isn't healthy to live in such fear.  Life is too short and you shouldn't let your life pass you by.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of those either directly or indirectly affected by this tragedy.